‘American Horror Story’ Recap: Where is the Spooky Little Girl?

Yes… I’m still watching AHS, and it seems most of you are still, too. It’s killing in the ratings. It’s killing actual people in the show. And it’s starting to act like a typical Ryan Murphy Production. What does that mean? Here come the unnecessary subplots and extra characters. I mean, the man is always BLESSED with a stellar CORE cast and then we get so much extra sauce. I hate sauce. I had fallen behind on the show for a little bit and then contemplated coming back at all. It’s one of those secondary shows. It requires attention, sure, but it’s not, say… Fringe, where… I need my EYES ON THE TV to make sure I don’t miss a thing. But, I’m back with it so let’s see where this episode takes us. Or doesn’t.

We open with the poor, POOR, homeless man’s Anne Faris… who’s name escapes me but she’s the OTHER blonde girl from American Pie. With the big eyes. See? You knew who I was talking about. She ends up dead 30 seconds later. Body count: 212. Why is Rachel Berry not on this show… to die?

Opening credits… man do I love these credits.

And the incredibly HOT maid is making the bed for our Dr. Harmon. Like, who is this actress? Is it gross I find her hot even though when vaginas are around we find out she’s really 400 years old with a glass eye. No? Thanks for the support guys. Here come the weekly sexual advances. “I love my wife. I love her”. Etc. Etc. Ah, some crazy ass Jessica Lange to aid us. Guys, her face is at the back of her fucking head. She’s practically a 19 year-old Korean girl at this point. Her character has become very week though. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’s siter, Kate Mara is kind of ace on this show. Like, the character I don’t care for but she, as an actress is pretty solid.

If everyone’s dead there sure is a lot of sex happening on this show. Is that what we have to look forward too? Great.

If Kate Mara is dead though… why is her sister looking for her. I’m not entirely understanding. Is this a backstory? If we end up finding out that everyone in this show has been dead since they entered the fucking door of this house I’m not going to be very pleased. Maybe she is dead but only Dr. Harmon can see her as if she were alive. Because now he’s seeing the actress who died in the opening scenes. SO MANY QUESTIONS. I thought we got rid of Lost?

So the dead actress is trying to fuck Dr. Harmon. This man gets blue balls all too frequently on this show. TWIST: Viv’s twins have different fathers. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUNNNNN. Back to the actress/maid = lesbians! Or bi-sexuals rather. I don’t know what is happening anymore. Back to Viv, she’s still in the psyche ward but looking great as always. These two are worse than Demi Moore and Ashton… are they on, or off? Pull it together.

Of course the first episode I choose to recap might be it’s weakest. I really did enjoy the last 4 before this episode. Jessica Lange is the Mandy Moore to Glen Close and Meryl Streep’s, Britney and Christina.

So, again: IS EVERYONE DEAD? OR ALIVE?

The American Pie girls wig is jacked up. It’s obviously a wig. I don’t get why production people end up doing this shit, it’s so fucking obvious, how am I supposed to believe her character if I don’t believe ya’ll hairline?

Aw, Constance decided to visit Viv in The Ward. BFFLs now.

Dr. Harmon found the RUBBER MAN mask. UH OH, things are about.to.get.kinky.

Oh… we’re getting BIBLICAL now are we Mr. Murphy? Dragging in the POPE? Okay cool.

Oh, American Horror Story…

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