Two weeks ago Maya Rudolph hosted what is considered to be by many fans, non-fans and critics of the show, the best episode Saturday Night Live had done in a while. So, naturally, Lorne Micheals decides to follow it up with last night’s episode.
Last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live had to be, for me, one of the worst episodes of the show I may have ever seen… and I am including the January Jones episode. Was it on purpose? Was it by accident? I’m not sure but the more I think about the more I feel that it was done on purpose. To miss such an opportunity? It only makes sense. Let me explain: Lohan, apparently, begged and begged Lorne to be on the show. She admittedly said that she called him repeatedly to go on the show. Lorne caved but ultimately did it from a PR/commercial stand point; it was a genius move on his part to get people talking. At this point in his career, if Lorne has lost his funny bone he has not lost how to play the fame game; the ratings for last night’s show should be through the roof. The highest of the season (so far) and I can say that without a doubt. So, this may have all been a forethought for him. “Sure, I’ll let you host but it’ll go the way I want it to go. Do you deserve to host? No. Do I really want you to host? No. So we’ll make this the worst possible episode…” I’m spitballing here. I’m trying to come up with a reason WHY this episode was SO awful. And none of it had to do with Lindsay. She was the best part.
Let’s begin with the good: The Real Housewives of Disney skit was great. Of course. On point, smart, funny, welcomed… maybe a little obvious and in true SNL fashion, too long. But again, I enjoyed it and Kristen Wiig’s drunk Cinderella was great. Lohan’s monologue was also quite good and, really, should have foreshadowed how the rest of the show went. But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t because as I’ve been saying for months now, unless the writer’s are TRULY inspired or someone like Jimmy Fallon, Miley Cyrus or Maya Rudolph is hosting, it’s a fucking guessing game as to how funny (or not) the episode will be. At this point the show needs to get rid of Lorne, get rid of the entire cast and start anew or get ride of the writers.
In my mind, this is how last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Lindsay Lohan should’ve gone: We have the cold open. “Lindsanity” is a joke both referred to Jeremy Lin and now, Lindsay Lohan. So we have a FOX Sports program or TSN or something and they think they booked Jeremy Lin, call him “Lindsanity” and instead, LiLo comes out and they’re put back by the mistake in guests but they go with it and they talk about all her arrests, and all that shit. Then we have our monologue which went the way tonight’s did because that was fine. I’d keep the Housewives of Disney bit. Then we open with Debbie Downer. It’s the most obvious thing to do and the most welcomed. Obvious is good when it was already good, you know? And let’s be honest, Rachel Dratch isn’t exactly busy. Commercial break. Come back with Lindsay in a rehab facility teaching young starlets about the dangers of fame and the Do’s and Dont’s of celebrity. We could have Miley, Selena, Beieber, Britney etc all be in the class which provides the cast (and audience) a good chunk of impressions bringing laughs. We follow that with a remix of that Crazy Bitch perfume commercial Kristen Wiig did before, remember? And we have Lindsay be her counter-part and they both try to out-crazy one another. Musical performance. Come back to the show with a Digital Short ala Mean Girls 2. Lindsay’s character is still at the high-school, 95 and trying to be hip/cool/whatever. You get my point. You get my point that me sitting here; me venting out everything I could is ideally better than everything aired on tonight’s episode. But no. We got none of that. Not even something as obvious as a Mean Girls 2 sketch. Instead we got a Digital Short where Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg had a really big afro and someone had to cut it. BUT THAT WAS A REAL THING AND I HAD TO SIT THERE AND WATCH IT.
Sure, I can sit here and say that. I can say that my little ideas would work when I don’t even know how hard it is to put on a live show every few weeks, but… my God. The more I write this, the more and more enraged I become. The episode was a disservice to the fans of the show, to the apologists of the show, to the fans of the host of the show, etc… I don’t know WHAT exactly I’m more offended by: the amount of opportunities wasted or the joke Lorne played on all of us? When you book a guest like Lindsay fucking Lohan, you HAVE to go there. I’ll repeat myself: YOU HAVE TO GO THERE. Do SOMETHING. Don’t be SCARED. MAKE ME LAUGH. Am I being melodramatic? No because if you are guaranteeing me laughs every week, you have to deliver. I will repeat: if you are going to ask Lindsay Lohan to host Saturday Night Live, you have to raise the bar. They didn’t though and with it being such an obviously missed opportunity I have to believe it was on purpose.
And maybe that was the plan, to make Lohan shine more than the episode itself. These people play the fame game all the time so it’s not far from the truth. We all thought Charlie Sheen was crazy and on drugs but in fact, he was just being an asshole and in turn it worked out even better for him. See? I can already picture tomorrow’s headlines now, “Lindsay Lohan Shines When SNL Doesn’t” or “SNL Low On Laughs But Lohan Isn’t At Fault”… essentially the angle is let’s not blame Lindsay. And was that the idea all along? Maybe. Or, maybe I’m reading too into this, maybe I’m cynical but at the end of the day – and I am completely serious in saying this – I’d like an explanation as to why Lorne Micheals wasted our time last night.