Recaps

Let’s Talk About Last Night’s Episode of ‘The Good Wife’

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I’ve been meaning to write about The Good Wife for some time now. I watched the first 4 and a half seasons in about 2 weeks last month and it’s one of my better life choice. In all seriousness, if you consider yourself a true watcher of TV and you are NOT watching The Good Wife, you’re doing it wrong. It’s on CBS, sure. It’s a procedural, yes. But it’s so much more than those two things. It’s not just for your parents, TRUST ME. It’s quietly the best show on TV. I wish it was titled House of Cards because it is so much more appropriate for this show. Just…just trust me. But, before I go on….

IF YOU DID NOT WATCH SUNDAY’S EPISODE THERE ARE MASSIVE SPOILERS TO FOLLOW I WARNED YOU

 

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One Line Review For The 9 Best Picture Nominees

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With the Oscars just around the corner, everyone is bustling to get caught up with the nominated films, particularly those nominated for the coveted Best Picture award. If you didn’t have time to catch the nine Best Picture noms in theatre and want to clean up on your Oscar pool this year, here’s our one-line movie reviews for those films whether you’ve seen them or not.

American Hustle (dir. David O. Russell)

David O. Russell assembles an all-star cast and weaves and messy web in this haphazard attempt at cleaning up during award season.

Captain Phillips (dir. Paul Greengrass)

Turns out real pirates are not nearly as funny or cool as Jack Sparrow.

Dallas Buyer’s Club (dir. Jean-Marc Vallee)

Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner reunite after 2009’s very forgettable Ghosts of Girlfriends Past in an equally depressing film about dealing with the mistakes of the past.

Gravity (dir. Alfonso Cuaron)

The tagline “In space, no one can hear your scream” would have been best suited for this movie.

Her (dir. Spike Jonez)

Artificially Intelligent partners can break your heart as much as, if not more than, human partners.

Nebraska (dir. Alexander Payne)

Disgruntled families are funnier in monochrome.

Philomena (dir. Stephen Frears)

Never doubt the genius that is Steve Coogan and Judi Dench, the only actors who can make a story about a woman trying to find her long-lost son into a road trip buddy comedy.

12 Years A Slave (dir. Steve McQueen)

Steve McQueen uses gratuitous violence to remind you just how brutal and immoral slavery is, just in case you had forgotten.

The Wolf Of Wall Street (dir. Martin Scorsese)

This is one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s least impressive roles and may land him his long deserved Oscar statue.

Everyone Gets An Award! Quick Thoughts On The Golden Globes

Quick thoughts on last night’s Golden Globes:

Tina & Amy: it followed the same blueprint as last year’s, but catered, obviously, to this year’s crop of films. I thought it was incredibly well written and, as always, they performed it spectacularly. When they’re together, especially hosting, it’s so natural it’s almost like they don’t care. That’s how good they are. Best jokes: The Gravity/Clooney one, Julia Louis-Dreyfus bit & the American Hustle/Explosion At The Wig Factory. Oh, also: Tam Honks will have me laughing forever.

Wins: Expected Jennifer Lawrence, did not expect Adams. Don’t think it means anything in regards to Oscars, because Blanchett is still, far and ahead of everyone else, the frontrunner. Same goes for DiCaprio, win doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, maybe he’ll sneak in a nomination. Leto, Blanchett and Lawrence are, for the most part, the only locks right now for Oscars. In regards to Best Picture: I think 12 Years just gained some momentum, but it still has a lot of work to do. Hustle will probably grab the SAG but everything else before that is where it can recover. Right now, I think the Academy might give Best Picture to 12 Years or American Hustle and Best Director to Alfonso Cuaron.

On the TV side: nothing else matters because Amy Poehler finally got the recognition she deserves. It was a good night to be a friend of Lorne Michaels.

 

My Top 10 Movies of 2013

Let’s just get right to it…

10. You’re Next

This spot could have easily gone to Frozen, or Wolf of Wall Street, something a bit more obvious, but I decided to include something that is maybe not as good, technically, but that I enjoyed more. 2013 was hit and miss for Horror, but when it worked, it worked really well. You’re Next does everything it intends to, has so much fun with it and features a kick-ass heroine at the front and center.

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‘Once Upon A Time’ Recap: Better Late Than Never

Rough week for being a son on Once Upon A Time, you guys.

Now, I’m a girl who grew up with a single mom so maybe some of you can enlighten me; is abandonment and betrayal, like, a normal father-son relationship thing? Because it happens a lot on this show, and Sunday’s episode, “Think Lovely Thoughts,” was like the Superbowl of daddy issues.

Our weekly flashback kicks off with the story of this “cowardly father” Rumpelstiltskin has been pining about since last season. Based on what little detail we’ve heard about him, I was expecting more of the same George McFly brand of weakness that we saw in Rumpel’s backstory. However, Rumpel’s dad was really more conniving-dirtbag than candy-ass. Malcolm (which is apparently his name according to the Internet) was the kind of dad that liked to rip people off in cards, have a drink or six, and get beat up in front of his son. So basically, your best friend’s “cool dad” in highschool.

Best Take-Your-Kid-To-Work Day ever!

Malcolm eventually realizes that having Lil’ Rumpel around is cramping his style, so he decides to drop him off with a couple of literal Spinsters while he runs out to buy cigarettes. Not to be outdone by Nelson Muntz’s dad though, Malcolm gifts his son with a hand-made doll to keep him company – and not the Nerf gun that Rumpel actually wanted.

Turns out the Spinsters are nice as far as guardians go, and teach Rumpel how to do the spinning wheel thing. He’s incredibly gifted at it and probably spun a lot of emo-looking tapestries while he patiently waited for his loser father’s return.

“You’re just in time! We’re about to watch Cedar Cove.”

In Neverland, Peter Pan continues to let Henry believe that he is The Shit. We’ve always known that Henry has a hero complex and is just dying to be of use to somebody, so the sight of Wendy Darling pretending to be ill pretty much leaves him salivating. He’s so excited about being the new Saviour that he ignores the basic rules of Stranger Danger and accompanies Peter Pan to a second location; Penetration Station Skull Rock.

Meanwhile Henry’s two rescue parties finally reunite just outside of Pan’s camp. Unfortunately for Rumpelstiltskin, this prompts Neal to narc on his own dad to the rest of the crew – Rumpel needs Henry dead in order to survive, remember? Although he swears his intentions of saving the boy are true, nobody’s buying that from a guy that calls himself The Dark One. They put him on a time out for being naughty and…well that’s basically it.

Emma also vows to save her father from his curse and get him back to Storybrooke safely, because she was feeling left out from all the dad drama so far. The new plan is to bring some of the magic Neverland water back to Storybrooke with them so that Charming remains connected to the island long enough for Rumpel to create some sort of antidote with the materials in his shop.

More importantly, this week in “Cute Stuff My Favourite Couple Did”:

Back in Ye Old Enchanted Forest, the Spinsters offer Lil’ Rumpel (a child with literally no other contacts or resources in the world) a magic bean so that he can travel to a new land and start a new life without his deadbeat dad – which is what we all thought he was doing with these broads but they must have gotten annoyed with him always leaving the toilet seat up or something. Unfortunately, he is one of those aggravating idealists and insists on finding Malcolm so that they can jump in the Magic Bean Portal of New Beginnings together.

When he finally peels Malcolm away from the tavern and asks him where they should start their new life, Malcolm suggests Disneyland Neverland; the magical place he would visit in his dreams as a child after his own father sold him to a blacksmith BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DID.

The only TV-Dad we will ever be able to trust.

Malcolm is absolutely thrilled to be in Neverland at first, while Lil’ Rumpel is more “meh, at least there aren’t spinning-wheels and pictures of cats everywhere.” His father’s enthusiasm is crushed, however, when he is told that he cannot fly because he is an adult and Neverland is kids-only. Who told him this? None other than the Prince of Darkness himself, Pan’s Shadow as voiced by Marilyn Manson. At no point does the Shadow take advantage of not having any ribs to get in the way of orally pleasuring himself, so it’s a bit of a waste.

Lil’ Rumpel’s dad is really determined to fly though, and makes a deal with the Shadow in order to become young enough to stay on the island. Any guesses as to what the trade off is?

“Bye forever, kill-joy!”

Dads suck, y’all.

Now that Lil’ Rumpel is out of the picture to stop “reminding” Malcolm that he’s a grown-up, his youth returns to him and he’s now young enough to live on The Island. But the young-version of that douchebag Malcolm turns out to be THAT DOUCHEBAG PETER PAN, WHAT WHAT WHAT?! (renaming himself after the doll he gave to Rumpel at the beginning) Okay, that one got me. I’m not supposed to forgive him for all the pervy subtext and locking girls in cages now though, am I?

Henry’s rescue party storms Pan’s camp, but Henry and Peter Pan/Malcolm/Rumpel’s Dad/The Pied Piper/Buffalo Bill have already left for Skull Rock. They do, however, find Wendy in her girl-cage, and she snitches on Pan’s plans to rip out Henry’s heart to replace his own dying one. The island/magic/I-never-actually-understood-this-part was never dying, but instead Malcolm’s youth is running out and he needs Henry’s heart to live and become all-powerful.

You too can have The Heart of the Truest Believer with daily servings of Honey Nut Cheerios®

The gang races to the Skull Rock to stop Peter Pan from chest-fucking his great-grandson, and everything that could possibly go wrong does. Rumpel confronts his dad in the cave and, even though he had ample time to just open Pandora’s Box and end this whole thing, Peter Pan somehow turns the tables and ends up trapping Rumpelstiltskin inside the box-of-pure-eternal-evil forever instead. Whoops.

Henry doesn’t overhear any of this exchange at all, however, even though they’re all in the same cave that’s literally designed to be an echo chamber, and he spent the last 2.5 seasons eavesdropping on everyone else’s conversations. And even though Henry’s parents manage to reach him in time before he sacrifices himself, he’s so desperate to be a hero that he thinks they’re lying to him about Pan and still does it anyways.

So now, Henry’s dying/dead, Peter Pan is invincible, Rumpel is a dick in a box, and Charming’s only hope for leaving the island is lost to that box with him.

Thankfully we have a two-week break before we get a new episode; which should give the writing staff enough time to seek professional help for all of their unresolved issues with Dad.

Until then!

ICYMI Recaps:
3.7 Dark Hollow
3.6 Ariel
3.4 Nasty Habits
3.3 Quite A Common Fairy

 

SNL Recap: Lady Gaga Earns Her Applause

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I feel like there are still people who bet against musicians who host this show; those who assume, just ‘cuz, that they won’t do well. My favourite hosting jobs of the last few years have been from musicians: Taylor Swift, Miley, Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake (always). Lady Gaga wasn’t as strong as those mentioned, but just as worthy and delivered the goods as host on SNL last night. They are kind of trained for this medium though, right? Not that actors aren’t, of course not, but the live aspect of it all bleeds into the world of performing (as of proofreading this I’m reminded of Katy Perry’s horrible hosting job, so no, maybe they’re not all made for this). And with the costume changes and all that, this was just like a night on tour for Gagapants. Gaga might be crazy and a try-hard but there is a commitment and a zeal in her performances that you just can’t deny. Similar to Miley. They just have it.

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‘Once Upon A Time’ Recap: Like A Dinglehopper In The Face

Written by Michelle Salvatore

(Sorry-not-sorry about skipping the recap for last week’s episode. There was a game-changing episode of The Good Wife on right after, and I spent the next 48 hours scraping bits of my blown mind off the walls.)

This week on Once Upon A Time, we get to meet Ariel. An introduction that I’m sure had absolutely nothing to do with The Little Mermaid Diamond Edition being available now on Blu-ray™ Combo Pack and Digital HD.

Despite being highly anticipated since the season began – and I say this as a grown-ass woman that owns a Little Mermaid iPhone case – Ariel’s back-story was the most frustrating part of this episode. Mainly because I’m pretty sure it was written in about an hour.

Back in the Enchanted Forest days, Snow White was saved from a couple of the Evil Queen’s henchmen by the pregnant teen from Reba mermaid Ariel. This isn’t one of those badass evil-homicidal-whores-of-Poseidon mermaids we encountered five episodes ago; nope, this mermaid has red hair, glitter for brains, and a crush on a prince she’s barely met. If only she could find a new BFF who would give her some realistic advice about love, life, and healthy priorities.

Well, fuck.

Snow White just so happens to have stumbled upon our fishy friend on the highest tide of the year. It’s during this time that the mythical Goddess of the Sea, Ursula, grants all mermaids the ability to walk on land for twelve hours. Ariel budgets that this should be enough time to make Prince Eric fall in love with her at the royal ball being held in Ursula’s honour. Snow White decides to tag along, and promises to keep Ariel’s mermaidness a secret from the Prince. Because this plan wasn’t very well thought out.

I guess he’s kind of cute if you’re into insurance salesmen and/or potential axe murderer types.

Even though Prince Eric has been scientifically proven to be the best Disney prince, this episode made him seem like a gigantic tool. During the course of one dance he not only declares that he’s goin’ sailing around the world the next day, but also that Ariel is totally the Love-Of-His-Life. Then the dance ends, he tosses her a “meet me at dawn and join me on my adventures, or bye forever” ultimatum, and then just leaves. Seriously, as soon as the song’s over he walks four feet away to continue casually schmoozing with the other non-love-of-his-life guests. Classic scrub behaviour.

Is it really too much to ask for a little more to work with than “they are in love because love at first sight and that’s it”? If we’re going to bastardize some beloved fairy tales once a week, can we at least try to inject a little more depth in them too?

Anyway, post-swoon Ariel quickly regroups with Snow White and I can’t even properly recap their discussion because I was blinded with confused rage. What the hell was she so enchanted with? Why is she talking about asking him to give up his dreams for her when it’s pretty clear that he’s happy to go on his sea-trip without her? Why not just tell him she’s a mermaid? The guy lives in a place called The Enchanted Forest and threw a banquet for a legendary sea-witch; he’s probably pretty chill about that stuff. And why can’t she just sail around with him? She travels by sea, ships travel by sea; this is not really a problem, kids.

Snow White doesn’t point any of this out because, again, she shouldn’t be anyone’s first-choice for advice. Instead she’s like “well, you got three hours until your legs are sushi again so, go talk to the ocean about it or something. I dunno.” Which is the perfect opportunity for the Love Of My Life, Regina, to show up disguised as Ursula and start wrecking some lives. This is a surprise to Ariel because she didn’t think Ursula existed, and trying to understand how she can believe that but also not question where her twelve-hour legs came from is just another example of when I threw my hands up in the air and gave up last night.

UGH! I brought tentacles six years ago to Fendi, and they said no!

After Lana Parrilla courageously delivers some “Part Of Your World” lyrics as dialogue with a straight-face (because subtlety never sold any Blu-ray™ Combo Packs), she gives Ariel a magic bracelet that has the power to swap bottoms with a human. I’m a hundred percent serious. That is what it does.

Ariel, because she’s a rude fish, walks up to Snow White like “What up? I got a big cock!” and slaps the bottom-swapping bracelet on her without even asking. Now suddenly Snow White has a tail and Ariel has perma-legs. I’m a hundred percent serious. That is what it does.

Bottom Swapped!

Regina shows up and takes so long Darth Vader-choking Snow White that even the world’s dumbest mermaid has enough time to stab her in the neck with a dinglehopper, and rescue Snow White once again. The two of them escape into the sea because for some reason Regina’s magic only has a one-foot radius? Or isn’t waterproof? Or maybe has a time delay? Wait, how did they get away from her?

Ariel doesn’t end up joining her probs-a-sociopath Prince’s boat trip the next morning because Regina steals her voice as punishment, and therefore Eric couldn’t hear her calling to him. At no point did clapping her hands or splashing around a bit occur to her.

Even for Once’s standards, this was some half-assed stuff – I’m still not entirely convinced that this week’s screenplay wasn’t written on a napkin. And we haven’t even talked about what’s happening on The Island yet.

(I’ll be quick, I promise)

Peter Pan is still on a mission to be the creepiest teenager on TV regardless of how little screen time he had. He used the word “fertile” this week, and my uterus shriveled up and died in discomfort.

Rumpel is having more Lost-y hallucinations of Belle. Nobody cares, and all of this moping around is castrating one of my favorite characters. Thankfully, Regina abandoned her alliance with the Charming Family and asked him to join forces, spawning some of the best one-liners she’s had all season. Even more so this week than usual, she was the only one who made any sense at all in any given scene.

The Charming Family and Captain Hook found Neal imprisoned inside a magical cave where, in order to rescue him, they had to reveal their darkest secrets. Hook admitted he loves Emma, Emma admitted she loves Neal but also wishes he was dead (why do we even let her talk?), Neal admitted that he tried to kill Sookie Stackhouse loves Emma, and Prince Charming confessed that he’s now cursed to stay in Neverland forever which really pissed off the ol’ ball and chain.

Going back for a second, I’d like reiterate that Captain Hook just openly admitted that he is in love with his step-grandkid’s mother. I’m still the only one who is bothered by this? Okay, fine.

This “Cave Of Truth” thing was such a needed cop-out that I’m not even going to complain about it, and I’m equally as thankful that Hook just told everyone that Neal was alive instead of hiding it until the season finale. I think we’re all very tired, and just want to go home.

My head hurts, you guys.

Click here and here for my previous OUAT Recaps. And I’m sorry. For all of it.