Too Busy

So, About That ‘Annie’ Trailer…

You’ve probably seen it by now. If not, here it is. Watch it and join me below…

…Uh. I mean…maybe…maybe it’s just a really, poorly cut trailer. Ya, that’s probably it! No?

Look, I had high hopes for this. Not that I ever cared for this remake, or the original, or anything to do with Annie, but when studios differ from the typical presentation of a narrative, like with with casting Quvenzhane Wallis as Annie, it has my full support. This is a big deal. I don’t want that to escape you. And I think that this will do well enough just on the fact that, hey, look, that is an exciting casting choice, smart, important! So, there’s that. But at the same time, I want this kind of color-blind casting to be of a certain quality. It doesn’t look outright terrible, because frankly, any scene in the trailer where Cameron Diaz is not doing whatever it is that she thinks she is doing with her character, is more than fine. It’s actually enjoyable. Wallis’ interactions with Rose Byrne are great, and Foxx seems fine. But, shit, Diaz, WHAT TONE was she going for here EXACTLY? If you forgot, Sandra Bullock was originally up for her role but dropped out. I think Bullock would’ve have gotten this character right but also, maybe, made a good life choice in dropping out.

Just. Guys. I don’t know…

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Alright, Let’s Talk About This ‘Fantastic Four’ Reboot

It’s been in the works for a while. Most of the casting has been “rumored” for months and then, yesterday, they decided to spill that Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara are “nearing” deals, while Miles Teller and Jamie Bell are still in talks. Again, we’ve known about these names for their roles for several weeks now, so not a lot of people were *that* surprised. Well…

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Not to be racist, but people are still ignorant. This kind of reaction from certain individuals, with, um, certain mindsets, was expected. I feared it was coming. I mean, the internet nearly broke when Ben Affleck was chosen to play Batman. Here’s how I feel about this entire thing: Michael B. Jordan’s casting for this pointless reboot of a franchise that no one cared for to start with, is the only inspired thing about it. It’s smart, it’s fresh, it’s exciting, it’s necessary; there are enough white superheroes, thanks very much. As I noted today on Twitter, audiences identify with the character and not the presentation of the character, this kind of inspired casting is more than welcome, it’s needed. What offends me most about this cast is Miles Teller, because to be honest, wake me up when we’re done trying to make him happen.

So now I have to defend this unnecessary Fantastic Four reboot. Why? Because it just made itself important. Because this kind of ignorance will only get louder once the movie goes into production. Because people like to be heard, especially the stupid. This reboot of a failed franchise is now as unnecessary as it is important.

Why Jennifer Lawrence Will Probably Win Her Second Oscar This Year

When critics, film fans, people in general, discuss the potential Oscar winners, they seem to forget that it’s a game. Much like, say, a school election, or even a political one, it’s never just about the actual quality of the work but how it benefits everyone involved. The campaign element to the Oscars is very real. A few months back, Michael Fassbender was quoted in GQ saying he wants one, sure, but he refuses to campaign. That statement is a campaign motive in itself, a terrible one, but if he had followed it up with lots of press, an apology, or what not, he could very much be a contender.

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‘Once Upon A Time’ Recap: Like A Dinglehopper In The Face

Written by Michelle Salvatore

(Sorry-not-sorry about skipping the recap for last week’s episode. There was a game-changing episode of The Good Wife on right after, and I spent the next 48 hours scraping bits of my blown mind off the walls.)

This week on Once Upon A Time, we get to meet Ariel. An introduction that I’m sure had absolutely nothing to do with The Little Mermaid Diamond Edition being available now on Blu-ray™ Combo Pack and Digital HD.

Despite being highly anticipated since the season began – and I say this as a grown-ass woman that owns a Little Mermaid iPhone case – Ariel’s back-story was the most frustrating part of this episode. Mainly because I’m pretty sure it was written in about an hour.

Back in the Enchanted Forest days, Snow White was saved from a couple of the Evil Queen’s henchmen by the pregnant teen from Reba mermaid Ariel. This isn’t one of those badass evil-homicidal-whores-of-Poseidon mermaids we encountered five episodes ago; nope, this mermaid has red hair, glitter for brains, and a crush on a prince she’s barely met. If only she could find a new BFF who would give her some realistic advice about love, life, and healthy priorities.

Well, fuck.

Snow White just so happens to have stumbled upon our fishy friend on the highest tide of the year. It’s during this time that the mythical Goddess of the Sea, Ursula, grants all mermaids the ability to walk on land for twelve hours. Ariel budgets that this should be enough time to make Prince Eric fall in love with her at the royal ball being held in Ursula’s honour. Snow White decides to tag along, and promises to keep Ariel’s mermaidness a secret from the Prince. Because this plan wasn’t very well thought out.

I guess he’s kind of cute if you’re into insurance salesmen and/or potential axe murderer types.

Even though Prince Eric has been scientifically proven to be the best Disney prince, this episode made him seem like a gigantic tool. During the course of one dance he not only declares that he’s goin’ sailing around the world the next day, but also that Ariel is totally the Love-Of-His-Life. Then the dance ends, he tosses her a “meet me at dawn and join me on my adventures, or bye forever” ultimatum, and then just leaves. Seriously, as soon as the song’s over he walks four feet away to continue casually schmoozing with the other non-love-of-his-life guests. Classic scrub behaviour.

Is it really too much to ask for a little more to work with than “they are in love because love at first sight and that’s it”? If we’re going to bastardize some beloved fairy tales once a week, can we at least try to inject a little more depth in them too?

Anyway, post-swoon Ariel quickly regroups with Snow White and I can’t even properly recap their discussion because I was blinded with confused rage. What the hell was she so enchanted with? Why is she talking about asking him to give up his dreams for her when it’s pretty clear that he’s happy to go on his sea-trip without her? Why not just tell him she’s a mermaid? The guy lives in a place called The Enchanted Forest and threw a banquet for a legendary sea-witch; he’s probably pretty chill about that stuff. And why can’t she just sail around with him? She travels by sea, ships travel by sea; this is not really a problem, kids.

Snow White doesn’t point any of this out because, again, she shouldn’t be anyone’s first-choice for advice. Instead she’s like “well, you got three hours until your legs are sushi again so, go talk to the ocean about it or something. I dunno.” Which is the perfect opportunity for the Love Of My Life, Regina, to show up disguised as Ursula and start wrecking some lives. This is a surprise to Ariel because she didn’t think Ursula existed, and trying to understand how she can believe that but also not question where her twelve-hour legs came from is just another example of when I threw my hands up in the air and gave up last night.

UGH! I brought tentacles six years ago to Fendi, and they said no!

After Lana Parrilla courageously delivers some “Part Of Your World” lyrics as dialogue with a straight-face (because subtlety never sold any Blu-ray™ Combo Packs), she gives Ariel a magic bracelet that has the power to swap bottoms with a human. I’m a hundred percent serious. That is what it does.

Ariel, because she’s a rude fish, walks up to Snow White like “What up? I got a big cock!” and slaps the bottom-swapping bracelet on her without even asking. Now suddenly Snow White has a tail and Ariel has perma-legs. I’m a hundred percent serious. That is what it does.

Bottom Swapped!

Regina shows up and takes so long Darth Vader-choking Snow White that even the world’s dumbest mermaid has enough time to stab her in the neck with a dinglehopper, and rescue Snow White once again. The two of them escape into the sea because for some reason Regina’s magic only has a one-foot radius? Or isn’t waterproof? Or maybe has a time delay? Wait, how did they get away from her?

Ariel doesn’t end up joining her probs-a-sociopath Prince’s boat trip the next morning because Regina steals her voice as punishment, and therefore Eric couldn’t hear her calling to him. At no point did clapping her hands or splashing around a bit occur to her.

Even for Once’s standards, this was some half-assed stuff – I’m still not entirely convinced that this week’s screenplay wasn’t written on a napkin. And we haven’t even talked about what’s happening on The Island yet.

(I’ll be quick, I promise)

Peter Pan is still on a mission to be the creepiest teenager on TV regardless of how little screen time he had. He used the word “fertile” this week, and my uterus shriveled up and died in discomfort.

Rumpel is having more Lost-y hallucinations of Belle. Nobody cares, and all of this moping around is castrating one of my favorite characters. Thankfully, Regina abandoned her alliance with the Charming Family and asked him to join forces, spawning some of the best one-liners she’s had all season. Even more so this week than usual, she was the only one who made any sense at all in any given scene.

The Charming Family and Captain Hook found Neal imprisoned inside a magical cave where, in order to rescue him, they had to reveal their darkest secrets. Hook admitted he loves Emma, Emma admitted she loves Neal but also wishes he was dead (why do we even let her talk?), Neal admitted that he tried to kill Sookie Stackhouse loves Emma, and Prince Charming confessed that he’s now cursed to stay in Neverland forever which really pissed off the ol’ ball and chain.

Going back for a second, I’d like reiterate that Captain Hook just openly admitted that he is in love with his step-grandkid’s mother. I’m still the only one who is bothered by this? Okay, fine.

This “Cave Of Truth” thing was such a needed cop-out that I’m not even going to complain about it, and I’m equally as thankful that Hook just told everyone that Neal was alive instead of hiding it until the season finale. I think we’re all very tired, and just want to go home.

My head hurts, you guys.

Click here and here for my previous OUAT Recaps. And I’m sorry. For all of it.

Yes, Kerry Washington Hosting SNL Is As Big A Deal As The Internet Is Making It Out To Be

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Yesterday it was a joy to see the same headline repeated several times over my timeline on Twitter. It was announced that Kerry Washington will be hosting Saturday Night Live. This was met to rapturous Twitter applause (a Twitter applause consists of exclamation marks + a lot of caps). And, in turn, it sparked a debate. Because of course. If you do a quick Google search of “Kerry Washington + SNL” you’ll find several articles that are discussing whether or not Saturday Night Live has a race problem. Basically: where are the black female comics at?

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‘Once Upon A Time’ Recap: Live From Sexy Tension Island

Once-Upon-a-Time-3x03-Promo-Quite-a-Common-Fairy-Video-Preview-01-2013-10-06

Written by Michelle Salvatore

(*All OUAT recaps will be spoiler-heavy. I don’t know why you would read a recap of a show and not expect spoilers. Carry on) 

It was roughly thirteen minutes into last night’s episode of Once Upon A Time that I asked my glass of Skinnygirl red: “Am I already that drunk, or is this show extra-gay tonight?”

The answer was both. And it was so satisfying.

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ICYMI: Ben Affleck Cast As Batman, Internet Exploded

The most I ever liked Ben Affleck was Bennifer 1.0

The most I ever liked Ben Affleck was Bennifer 1.0

I firmly believe that it’s on the days I’m not waiting at my computer for a story to break so I can write about it is when the most important stories break. Like tonight. I was at a screening of You’re Next (loved it, stay tuned for a review) and when I got home, I checked Twitter and there it was: Ben Affleck cast as Batman.

Someone, I think it was Rachel Dratch, once described Twitter as the following: it’s like walking into a room with everyone in the room shouting their opinions at the top of their lungs. This is very much the truth and it was never more clear than tonight. The internet is a…very scary place. Like, only Lady Gaga and her fans and Ben Affleck being cast as Batman can cause everyone to get out a knife and stand up against the wall ready to fight. Relaaaaaaax everyone. But let’s get to the real story here: Zack Snyder is trying to kill us, in particular me. If you’ve been following this blog long enough, you know my issues with him and know how much I disliked Man of Steel. It’s no surprise then that I am not particularly excited for Man of Steel 2: Batman vs. Superman or whatever the actual title of this hot mess of a movie is. So, to lessen whatever remaining excitement I may have had (burried somewhere very deep inside me, below all of the blackness), they go and cast Ben Affleck. I just… I can’t.

Look: I like Ben. He’s a fine director, but the fact is he’s just not a very good actor. He’s just never been my favourite. I mean, if we had to choose which best friend to hang out with, we’d always choose Matt Damon, right? Right! (If you chose Ben you can leave now). At the end of the day, more than anything else, this is just a very uninspired choice. I didn’t need it to Idris Elba to make me crash my car into a bridge because I love it for how daring and fresh it is. No. But I didn’t need to be Ben Affleck either. Is this casting choice as rage inducing as Twitter made it to be? No but… I get it. This isn’t about him being capable or not for the role; Bruce Wayne isn’t the deepest of characters, so I’m not counting on this being the end all and be all of Batman. And also: IT IS BATMAN. Let’s all reeeeeeelax. But…it’s just…anyone else. ANYONE.

Also:  1) “At least it wasn’t Ryan Gosling” is a thing I don’t want to see. Sure, Gosling is tired of Gosling but when you cast Gosling, for the most part, you know you’re going to get a quality performance. I’m not saying I wanted to see Ryan Gosling play Bruce Wayne, no, but it would have been a more exciting pick. And 2) “When Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker, everyone complained and then look at the performance we got” is something that also needs to stop. Is this wrong? Not necessarily but Ledger being cast as The Joker is about a million times more original and daring than Ben Affleck as Batman. There is nothing original or daring about it, which will, maybe, ultimately, be the downfall of this casting choice…

At the very least, it wasn’t Justin TImberlake so…there is that…